for-give-ing is accepting the presents of presence

and composting the envy

There’s an internal conversation I've been having lately around acceptance and forgiveness. What are the gifts involved and inherent in the words themselves - in giving myself acceptance, in accepting the gift of forgiving myself, and in for-give-ing the Other? Of being pro-give-ing. How much, and what exactly, am I giving when I forgive? A certain desire to win or to be right? Not that I'm giving that to the other but rather giving up on that in order to give the other the gift of forgiveness.

And myself. For-give-ing myself. Yesterday I put myself to the task of carrying 20kg/45lbs of groceries in my tramping pack, back to where I’m staying 3kms/1.75miles away from a suitably-named co-op: Sovereign. I decided to do it as training. I could have taken it in smaller batches over the weeks, or caught the bus most of the way, or even splurged on an Uber, especially when the timing of it meant I might be late for an appointment afterwards.

But then I thought of Miriam Lancewood, our lead Amazon in The Amazon Academy I had created in 2018. It was a marriage of ecological awareness with the evolution yoga engenders that focused on empowering women and was inspired by the ancient Amazonian horse archers, the nomadic tribes of the Eurasian Steppes.

Miriam and her partner Peter had spent 7 years living nomadically in the bush of Aotearoa/New Zealand and then went on to do the same across Europe and into Australia. When they were low on the food supplies that she couldn’t hunt, she would trek out of the wilderness with an empty pack and her guitar, hitchhike to the nearest populated area, busk for money to buy food, and then make the return trip. Most people wouldn’t dream of such an ordeal to feed themselves when these days you can easily have food delivered direct to your door.

Yet simultaneous to the inspiration in that memory what also lept up to meet me on the path was the judgment in my own mind of "failing" with The Amazon Academy. 2020 came along and I let the whole thing drop, but that was only an easy guise to drop it under, as I had been struggling within myself towards the end of our year of expeditions in 2019. In our last gathering I felt shame around how I was measuring up to what I could be and what I dreamed the academy could be. And in how I had handled difficult situations and treated others.

With Miriam in December 2019 above the Anatoki River, South Island, New Zealand.

All of that came flooding back yesterday as I trudged along an urban path with the privilege of compostably-packaged organic goods. I was comparing myself and where/how I am in the world right now with her, and where/how she appears to be in her world. Here I was on a small incline in a modern city, versus where I imagine she is in preparing for an upcoming expedition into the Himalayas by going up steep hills with a heavy load. Although I am delighted for her, and them, I have yet to accept and forgive myself enough to reach out beyond myself to reconnect with her.

There's all-ways a spectrum that I can slide myself up or down in terms of comparing - now better, now worse, than some Other. Or even in comparison to myself on a scale of spacetime - now better, now worse, than mySelf in "the past" or "the future".

The gift that is given in for-give-ing is presence, by honouring the present moment. Without getting caught up in forgetting or ignoring past actions or attitudes in myself or anOther, I choose to be present with who shows up this time, this moment. In me. In the seeming-Other. So the gift, as well, is welcoming the reflection, in both senses, of contemplating how we engage with hurts and expectations internally and externally, and also how that is reflected in those we engage with. The mirroring that the world (in all its wisdom) so readily supplies, whether I'm willing to look or not.

My dear maman has a sweet practice that she says she picked up from Louise Hay. Every time she looks in a mirror she says, "I love you!" If she comes across the mirror in public then she thinks or whispers it. I've only managed to do it twice now and it feels somewhat silly, which is what tells me it's an important challenge to take on. Simple is rarely easy, except perhaps for the innocent. And innocent means unharmed, un-violated.

Unstruck is the translation of Anahata, the heart chakra/centre. Anahata is associated with the sound that emanates without two things striking together. Which, when you think about it, seems impossible since all sounds, even the vocal cords, need to reverberate (strike) in order to sound or sing.

In forgiving I am re-cognize-ing the harm into music. I am taking the struck-ness and shifting the meaning of it from harm to harmony.

Looks so nice in how the words line up like that, but again I’ll admit it’s not so simple to apply. Part of my experience with sound is that I have had to learn the origins of sounds. Friends would lovingly laugh at me for looking like a dog with its head cocked, one ear up, trying to "hear". It wasn't so much about hearing as about identifying. For me sounds are similar and my journey with partial deafness has been in deciphering the source of what I’m hearing in order to navigate generally, but also, more essentially, to feel safe.

For pain sounds very similar to pleasure. Pleasure borders on pain. No wonder I've studied orgasmic birth in courses with such titles as Pain to Pleasure birthing. I'm careful to iterate that I do not condone harm, or dismiss pain, or those who have perpetrated the same. I do, however, re-cognize that they could do no other at that point in time. I also deeply acknowledge my own limited views that have caused pain or harm to others, or to myself.

And this is where and how it's all so tricksy. Unity consciousness means I feel all of it and I am capable of all of it and can therefore forgive all of it, regardless of seeming boundaries of inner or outer.

It does not mean that we don't intend to "do better". It does not mean we invite harm or in any way encourage it. And it does not mean that we can bypass the honest and contrite admittance of wronging anOther. Reconciliation is still required. Maybe, though, by being inclusive of our harmful ways we can heal from past harms, be present with current harms, and prevent future harms.

In my channeling of MYOGA Seasons in 2010, I was guided to align the 7 chakras/energy centres with the 4 seasons of the year, 2 for each except for Autumn. Right now in the Southern Hemisphere we’re in our last couple weeks of exploring Anahata or what I call Fullest Summer. Here’s a reading I incorporate into the heart-opening, back-bending focus we have in this season:

“In order to receive such gifts we must be convinced of our innate goodness and value. We must believe that we are inherently worthy. Another word for giving is support. And support is something that occurs on all levels.

The opposite of support is envy. And it is the crowning emblem of scarcity. Wherever there is envy in our lives there is a place where we believe that we do not have enough, or worse, are not ourselves enough.

To work through the heart centre, Anahata, is to come to terms with our envy. Like any other so-called negative emotion, envy begs for care and investigation. And as we trace it down to its roots, we see our hidden hopes as delicate flowers that have been stepped on and damaged. We find things that we always wanted to do, but never did. And ways in which we always wanted to be, but never allowed ourselves to be.

Once we see what underlies our envy, we can stop projecting the emotion outwards onto others. There is new material to guide us and help us open to the desires of the heart.”

(I regret to say that I do not have a record of the source of this valuable quote.)

When I lived in India I traveled to Rajasthan and had a dance costume made for the Kathak that I was learning. When I did what seemed to be customary there and bargained or haggled for a lower price, the man so vehemently called me a beggar that I felt a deep fear not only that he’d cursed me, but that he’d identified me. I write this in response to that thought above that “…the opposite of support is envy. And it is the crowning emblem of scarcity.”

As I left the Sovereign co-op heavy laden with nourishing riches, I judged myself as less-than. My envy over Miriam’s perceived place in her world was not supporting me. It was making me feel poor, like a beggar. I was making myself feel poor.

Another post for another time is a phrase and a practice I am continually returning myself to: Turn the negative mind worms into composting tiger worms. Which means this blog is essentially a compost bin!

Sovereignty is subject to much scrutiny these days, and justifiably so! To my purposes, which are on the personal autonomous level rather than on a national one, sovereignty is not given by anOther, but once it’s claimed it is recognized by others. It was my word heading into 2020, after what felt like the debacles of 2019. The lockdowns gave me different challenges to claiming my sovereignty than I anticipated I’d meet.

Here we are 3 years later and I’m still breaking matters down, making nutritive black gold from my past “failures”. Thus, continuing to learn my own mantra - to ‘Trust the Longer Journey’ - since composting doesn’t happen overnight.

Which reminds me of this lovely Antonio Machado poem:

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.