what I learned from untangling my prayer ties

re-post from 30 Oct 2020, in honour of my elder emerging from another round of Sun Dance in Canada.

Recently I had the privilege to dance my prayers. I went into the dance concerned I wouldn’t be able to hack the intensity of what I’d committed to.

I came out of it feeling like, ‘I was built for this.’

A large part of my preparation was determining what I’m actually praying for and then gathering the materials for nearly 150 prayer ties. Ostensibly prayer ties are small bits of fabric wrapped around medicinal plants and tied along one unbroken string in a ceremony of purification and intention. Yet the deeper experience of creating them really required of me ‘a little bit of everything’.

So when it came time to include our prayer ties in the ceremony, to bring them into the shared space, and they suddenly got all jumbled up from the order I'd had them in, I had a choice to make. Do I leave them in a heap for “spirit” to sort out? We were being rushed along and I could feel panic rising in me. Then I realized that I didn’t come all this way, and put in all this effort, to leave them in a heap now. So I took my tangled clump of prayers out of the melee of movement, with the clear intention that on our first break from dancing, I would set about sorting them out.

Here’s what I learned…

don’t panic.

While in the dance, I could feel the panic rising in me as the leader rushed me to leave the prayer ties and rejoin the group. He didn’t want me to keep the others waiting. I could also see how responding with the same rushing, panicked energy was not going to help me, so I made a different decision that still hailed from my intention to ‘awaken my heart to action’, to embody my prayers. Because I chose to lead from there, even if it felt initially like I was heading in a different direction or not keeping up with the others, my choice not to contaminate my prayers with panic created room for me to navigate this snafu and seeming obstacle.

On our first break, I again felt panic rising in me that I was taking my break to stay upright and focused when I didn’t know what was next or what sort of stamina I might need. Plus I was now face to face with the tangled mass. I heard my head screaming, ‘I can’t possibly untangle this mess! I don’t even know where to begin!’ I kept breathing and started with the end I could find. I stayed focused on freeing up that one loose end.

keep it loose.

Just like panicking, yanking would only make things worse. If I simply pulled on things I’d be more likely to tighten any knots that were developing instead of loosening and unraveling them. Not only did I have to keep the strings loose around one another, I also needed to keep my body and mind loose. I had to stay on track to my intention to unravel the knotted skein, while letting go of any expectation or fear that I might, or might not, succeed.

stay on purpose.

As soon as I recognized any tightening in my bodies—physical, mental, emotional—I chose to go against the compulsion to stay tight. Softening and slowing was counter-intuitive in the face of the unknown timeline before me, and in the face of any imagined expectations set upon me, whether by others or (often more insistently) set upon me by my own self.

The fuel for softening and slowing that I used as I untangled was, ‘stay on purpose’. My purpose at this dance was to put my prayers into action. If I did the compulsive, lizard-brain thing I’d all-ways done, I would have been abandoning my prayers. Because no matter how specific and detailed each prayer might be in gratitude for what-is, as well as in requesting the most desired would-be possible, the whole act of praying (however it is you do it! #thisishowIpray) is a rewiring practice.

I’m consciously re-cognize-ing what appears to be reality now and imbuing it with what I want to feel and experience. I’m rewriting the future and the past by acknowledging this present and yet working within it to shift my mind and energies from lament to rejoice. That’s no small feat at any time, but particularly these days when we are bombarded with so much change and so much challenge and so much sorrow.

When I let whanau (family, whether blood or not) know I was heading into a dance of renewal, a few said, “Enjoy!”

Enjoy?!?

I thought,”What do they know?! Days without food or water or much sleep? It’s going to be hard and I don’t even know if I’ll succeed!” But then I realized that in their seeming not-knowing, perhaps they really did know. So my main intention for the dance was to enjoy all of it, regardless of my ideas, opinions or initial reactions to things.

Shifting is still required though! Now, for me, it’s a mini series of steps I can use instantaneously, as long as I have the presence of heart-mind to apply them:

breathe

loosen

lighten

a silk strand without structure is an unstrung tangle.

‘A silk strand without structure is an unstrung tangle’ pretty much says it all.

Apply that at will to oneself or situations and the way then becomes clear.

When I feel unstrung, I need to slow into clearer structure.

Attach this to that.

Separate that from this.

At the centre is the clear truth,

the open space

framed by spidery-strong silken structure.